And for My Next Trick

When I was a kid I wanted to be a magician. To be fair, I also wanted to be a football player, a guitar player, a Blue Peter presenter and Prince Charles. At my current age and skill level the only one of those I have a chance of becoming is Charlie boy and I don’t really want to be him anymore.

However, I really, really wanted to be a magician so here are some tricks I could use to wow my public if I ever get the chance.

I could use an automatic garage door opener to make it look as though I am opening it with the power of my mind when I am really using a small remote control device. However, I am not going to impress many people in the 21st century with this trick, am I? If only I had been born in the 18th century then with this trick I could have been regarded as some sort of genius or dangerous alien wizard who should be burnt at the stake.

I could take some archery courses and then amaze the world (or my mum, at least) by firing apples off the top of her head. I know that magicians don’t usually do that sort of thing but I have an extra trick up my sleeve; when I cut the apple open it will have inside it the card which my mother selected at the beginning and which I wrote down on a piece of paper which I fed to a monkey. Now we just need to wait for the monkey’s bowels to work and we will see if I was right with my prediction.I might need to hope for some constipation.

You don’t seem many magicians working with parrots these days, do you? I could use an African grey parrot and put him in one of those boxes where it looks as though the person is being cut in half but they aren’t really. You don’t see much of them these days either so it’s turning into a bit of retro magic act.

Since it is a retro show we might as well throw in a retro car stereo. My trick is to guess what song comes on next. I shouldn’t tell you how I do it but I will. It’s a cassette that’s on, not the radio. I am available for weddings, 1st birthday parties and company AGMs.